Following the US Government’s banning of online scams and the Pakistani Government’s rather humorous attempt to filter out text messages containing words and phrases such as ‘pocket pool’ and ‘honkers’ (use hashtag #PTABannedList on Twitter for more), I started to think about what I would do if I could wave a magic wand and police the digital world in the way I see fit.
Aside from the obvious stuff that we’d all condemn, I’ve come up with five new laws that I’d introduce:
1. Ban the use of 'lol'
I don’t like ‘lol’. I’ve never liked ‘lol’. I can’t even finish writing a lengthy sentence that… nope; can’t do it. What’s wrong with ‘haha’ or ‘hehe’? Did our early character limits in the first ever text-message enabled phones forever rule out the use of a fourth letter?
I don’t think I’d mind so much if it were only used when the typer was actually laughing out loud, but they rarely are. Just wait until someone IM’s you at work with ‘lol’. Jump up out of your seat and take a look at their face. If they’re not laughing out loud, or desperately trying to remain composed and not wee themselves, go over and punch them squarely in the mouth.
2. Enforce proper punctuation in emails and forum comments
If I’m beginning to sound like a grammar Nazi, it’s because I am (runs quick hypocrisy-preventing grammar check in Word). At best, it’s just annoying. At worst, people will misunderstand you.
Let’s look at two examples:
· Can you smell, Nicky?
· Can you smell Nicky?
In the first one, we’re asking Nicky if she can smell. In the second, we’re asking someone else if they can smell her. One comma makes all the difference.
We could easily insult Nicky in the above example if we’re not careful. Also, let’s try not to make it LOOK LIKE WE’RE SHOUTING.
I once received an email that read something like this:
hi paul i said id do that thing for you today butshouldnt of things are hectic is it ok if there with you in the morning were having some problems with the trucks in the depow pls reply thanks
If I received that from a member of my team, I’d take a good hour out of my day to buy some card, fold into a conical shape, stick glitter all over it, write ‘fool’ on the front and back (and in reverse in case someone is reading it in their rear-view mirror), put it over their head and then douse them in boiling water. It infringes my moral code.
3. Prevent online giants deciding what I should be looking at
No, Google. I do not want you to customise your search results based upon my search history. If I’d already found what I was looking for, I wouldn’t need to search again. If I do choose to search again, I don’t want to see the same results.
Also, when I tell you not to customise my results, don’t assume that I’ve changed my mind the very next day.
4. Allow cookies, forever
Yes, yes, I know! Everyone complains about cookies and the invasion of privacy. As an online marketing professional*, I have no interest in who my client’s customers are, where they live, what their job is and what they look like. I would, however, like to serve my client’s customers, and only my client’s customers; no one else.
Nobody wants to spend marketing budget showing ads to users who are not interested in them. Cookies allow us to track what’s working and what’s not, cutting out irrelevant ads for those who do not want to see them and maximising our client’s ROI. That way, we keep users happy and grow our clients’ businesses. It’s great!
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
5. Allow me to vote against useless websites
We’ve all seen them. You’re trying to find out the best way to stop cold air leaking in through your old windows, so you do an online search. A range of pages come up from a bunch of random authors and you start clicking through. However, you soon realise that these pages are designed simply to rank high in the search engines and encourage you to click on their AdSense ads. There’s no real information in there at all.
I would like to give these sites a big ‘thumbs down’. Can I have a -1 button, Google?
I’m sure you’ll all agree with these, so vote for Paul as the new Fuhrer of the International Global Association of Worldwide Online Policing of Nations. Lol.
*right?